“THE HITMAN’S WIFE’S BODYGUARD”

Published On June 18, 2021 | By Matt Neufeld | FILM REVIEWS

“THE HITMAN’S WIFE’S BODYGUARD”
Starring Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, Salma Hayek, Antonio Banderas, Frank Grillo, Richard E. Grant, Morgan Freeman
Screenplay by Tom O’Connor, Brandon Murphy, Phillip Murphy
Story by Tom O’Connor
Based on characters created by Tom O’Connor
Directed by Patrick Hughes
Produced by Matt O’Toole, Les Weldon, Yariv Lerner
Cinematography by Terry Stacey
Edited by Michael J. Dutchie and Jack Hutchings
Music by Atli Orvarsson

“The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard” is horrendously bad–unoriginal, generally unfunny, loud, obnoxious, over-the-top in a bad way, loud again, loud once more, rude, crude, juvenile, stupid even, and oddly completely lacking in genuine comedy and well-executived action–despite the film supposedly being an action comedy.

The action is action-less, and the comedy is just about non-comedic for most of this lackluster, disappointing and generally dumb movie. Did we mention that it’s loud? It’s deafening loud–almost louder than the Brood 10 cicadas. Come to think of it, the Brood 10 cicadas are far more entertaining than “The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard.” So save yourself some time, money and energy, walk outside into a forest–and watch the cicadas. The soothing, welcoming loudness of the cicadas is real, natural, welcoming, amazing and soothing. None of those adjectives applies to “The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard.”

The action sequences in this movie are terribly paced, timed and presented, so scenes that probably looked fun in the script end up completely wasted, washed-out and rushed on-screen. And dumb and loud, in case we didn’t mention that.

Is “The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard” the type of movie that should lure people back to the movie theaters in 2021? No, it isn’t. This movie shouldn’t lure people anywhere.

The plot…it doesn’t matter. The plot is so moronic, to summarize it would just insult the intelligence of most people. Except, obviously, the people who decided to produce, direct, write and bankroll this movie. They should all be ashamed of themselves.

And Ryan Reynolds, Salma Hayek, Samuel L. Jackson, Antonio Banderas and Morgan Freeman–just what on Earth were you thinking when you said “yes” to this mess? None of you should be appearing in dreck like this–it’s embarrassing. All of you should know better.

And, professionally–literally the only person in the cast of this misfire flop who exhibits any possible hint of comedic acting ability is Ryan Reynolds. But even for Reynolds, his schtick of R-rated, swearing, cussing, bloodied-up action slapstick is wearing every thin after two “Deadpool” movies and two of these “hitman” movies (this 2021 movie is, amazingly, a sequel to a movie that was actually released in movie theaters in 2017 that was called–are you ready–“The Hitman’s Bodyguard.”) Ryan–give it a rest. Your next five movies should be other types of movies with zero violence and zero slapstick. You are better than this.

As for Hayek, Jackson, Banderas and Freeman in “The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard,” none of them–none–exhibit any sense of comedy or comedic timing, pacing, cadence or ability. They are just simply not funny in this movie.

As for this strange type of genre movie–the R-rated action-comedy that tries to blend R-rated language, sexuality and action with R-rated comedy–it’s simply time for Hollywood to put this entire failed experiment to rest. Kill it. Deep-six it. Bury it. Move on. It’s absolutely unbelievable that the film world is littered, polluted with these two “hitman” movies, three “Expendables” movies, five “Die Hard” movies (although the first one and the fourth one were actually above-average), nine “Fast and Furious” movies, seven generally terrible “Mission: Impossible” movies, four “Lethal Weapon” movies, most of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1980s and early ’90s action movies, five Rambo movies, and every movie made by Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Where and when will it stop? Please, Hollywood–make it stop!

Don’t waste your time, money or energy on “The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard”–a lackluster, cliched, over-reaching, over-done, over-loaded, overly-dumb and overly loud action-comedy mistake.

But do take the time to enjoy the cicadas–unlike the R-rated action-comedy movie, the Brood 10 cicadas will only be with us for just a few more weeks.

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